Thursday, July 3, 2014
Metamorphosis: introspection and retrospection
Tomorrow is Independence Day. I'm sitting here doing quite a bit of reflecting, evaluating, and looking toward the future lurking on the horizon, but it's hazy there and hard to make out. I have more time now for this sort of thing, since I lost my day job last week. Losing one's job is a stressful thing; I'm convinced there're stages to it like mourning a loss. I was mad, blamed myself, blamed others, felt humbled, experienced optimism, and well, now I've just accepted it. It is what it is. Life is simply a large maze with unexpected hurdles. Everyone experiences ups and downs. It's how we deal with the downs that shows the world who we really are, our true character. In the face of this, I've tried to remain diligent in my math and language studies as well as continuing with my writing/editing. In addition, I've done a good bit of looking inward and at my past. It's comforting during a time like this to see where you've come from and how you've (hopefully) improved as an individual. I like to think I've done pretty well and hope that I can continue to grow and become even better.
There've been plenty of times when I've neglected this blog. After all, who am I? Does anyone really read the things I say here? These are questions I ask myself a lot. I want to be a successful writer (whatever that truly means). I'd like to have a fairly large audience who I can interact with (much like Christoper Moore does--now there's a good author role model!) However, much of the time I just feel like a voice quacking in the void. I'm that tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear me.
I know I'm just one in several billion trying to stand apart and I'm self-conscious when it comes to marketing; it's absolutely uncomfortable and dreadful. It's often daunting and sad to think about, but think about it I do. These feelings are more prevalent during my down moments. At higher times, I meet someone who has read one of my stories and reaches out to me to talk about it (this is a grand experience! For me, they are also very rare).
Today, I looked back on the first post I wrote in 2009. It's odd to go back and read things you've written years ago, like glimpsing the mind of a naive you. My feelings while reading that first post are what helped spark this post. I may sound depressed and somewhat bitter, but, really, I'm not. I'm excited by what the future holds for me and my writing. I'm still editing What Goes Around and am nearly ready to hand it off to my beta readers. I have no intention of using this post to vent frustrations and/or petty grievances. I apologize if that's what it seems like. Basically, I just want to express the way I feel when faced with a transitional opportunity (the metamorphosis) that can come from a negative experience like this.
Instead of burying my head in the sand or throwing a pity-party, I want to use the time to get some things done. Finishing this book for one! In the meantime, I will continue doing all of the things I did previously: improving myself and my writing. Another job will come; I know it will, so I'm going to take one day at a time and enjoy it. So, it is with optimism that I put my foot forward toward that hazy future lurking on the horizon, with every intention to seize the day!